Betwixt and between: discovering liminal space

Back in the fall (and if I’m being honest, a good chunk of winter too), I felt stuck. I couldn’t figure out why I was having such a hard time propelling myself forward on my new journey, a journey I consciously chose.

After waywardly drifting here and there, I stumbled on an article by Nicole Gulotta about planning for liminal space. Finally it dawned on me. I was in my own liminal space, a sort of life limbo, inching my way into a new season. According to Merriam-Webster, liminal is an intermediate state, phase or condition. (Fun fact: I was reading “Lincoln in the Bardo” by George Saunders at the time and had to Google “bardo.” In Tibetan Buddhism, bardo is the liminal state between death and rebirth.) Liminality is what happens when the future outcomes you once taken for granted, dive into the Pool of Doubt (which presumably flows into the River of Denial). And that’s exactly where I was. For someone who likes to be in control, it’s uncomfortable not knowing what to expect every day.

Marriage, divorce, illness, starting a new job, ending a job, going to college, graduation, death, birth or moving to a new house – all of these things involve liminality. You experience a degree of in between, not knowing when or what things may shift and change. (For someone who ended a job, started a new one and moved in with my partner, I was all up in the in between.)

My previous job was safe and good and warm. I was comfortable there. I knew all the rules. Better yet, I knew my role in and out, and I was good at it. It’s not that I wanted to go back to my old job, but I found myself clinging to this old season. I was still trying to play by the same rules. I felt guilty not writing for exactly eight hours, for not making money or for taking the afternoon off when I had a migraine or when my brain felt fried.

We go through life attaching ourselves to things, wanting them to last forever. But nothing lasts forever, and this makes us sad, uncomfortable, angry, or worse, violent. My life was perfectly calibrated for the way things used to be. But if I want to move forward, I needed to “Let It Go.” I had to let go of my attachment of the ways things were. It was time to create a new way of doing things. Here, there are no guidelines, no map, no right answers. Instead, there are infinite possibilities.

It hasn’t fully formed yet, this new season. I badly want to hurry things along. I don’t like waiting. I want things figured out. But it’s slowly revealing itself, like snowdrops creeping up through a blanket of snow and heralding the new spring. I need to hang in there, do the best I can, continue to carve out my new creative routine and the rest will come.

Moving on and speaking the unspoken

I struggled for months before making the decision. I liked my job just fine, the company, my boss, my co-workers. But my spirit was restless, hungry, distracted. I realized I needed to do something new. Although, I was unsure exactly what those details looked like.

Grasping to what I already knew and did well was not my path to a lived life. I was sure of that much. Although, quitting my job without another lined up felt like a risk. Not taking the leap seemed equally as risky.

All along, I’ve felt this longing to create, to write, to make a difference in the unique way I feel called. I can feel it in my bones. A voice inside me calling me to be the person I was born to be. It’s why I switched my major from practical elementary education to impolitic professional writing.

Much like everyone else, I also felt this economic urgency after college. When I was about to graduate in 2009, the market crashed. I felt compelled to safeguard my economic future. I thrust myself into the closest job I could find. I was sucked into reality, into a world constantly telling us who we are and who we ought to be. A world, where E.E. Cummings suggests, “is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else."

At the end of June, I quit my day job. Now, I’m moving on to something new. I’m walking straight into my not-knowing, speaking the as-yet unspoken and taking the risk of failing. I’m bursting my bubble of comfort and convention. I am taking a leap, a leap unlike any other. I am dedicating myself fully to writing.

I’m carving out a new path on my roadmap, amid the valleys, pinnacles and detours. I give myself up to it. I am beginning again, in a different way.

See the exciting project I'm working on

Since many of you don't live in Lancaster, you probably missed it. Local reporter Meredith Jorgensen interviewed me on WGAL News 8! Watch the full video here. We discussed the exciting project I've been spending so much time working on. Lancaster Young Professionals is hosting its first-ever Red Rose Gala on October 28. It's kind of a big deal. You can read more about it here or buy your tickets now.

We're also looking for two young professionals to receive our first award, the Lancaster Young Influencer Award. Community service is such a big part of our organization. So, we decided to create an award honoring two great young people in Lancaster who dedicate their time giving back to the community. If you or someone you know qualifies for the award, please nominate them. The nomination deadline is September 5.

Life is always better with a dog

They say life is better with a dog. And if you've ever had a dog, you understand the truth in this statement. Dogs get dirty, cause trouble, give sloppy kisses and make messes, but they are always there. Whether they are sleeping at your feet, waiting for you to come home or sharing an adventure, dogs come armed with a special, unconditional love. They never fail to make the best of everything. We can learn a lot from our dog friends. I know I have.

Toby the dog was no different. He caused A LOT of trouble in his heyday. He was adept at stealing and destroying all my mom’s Isotoner slippers, eating uncooked chicken right off the counter, slobbering on the windows after they were just cleaned, sniffing all the crotches and butts, make a beeline over the mountain for a run in the woods and laying in the middle of the hallway just waiting for the unsuspecting someone to trip over him.

Slipper stealer

As he got older, you could hear every creak and groan in his old body. Fooled by his eyes, he’d bark at nothing. Yet, every night without fail he’d trudge up the steps to sleep at the bottom of my parents' bed. He made the best of his aged self and never stopped loving us.

Over the past weekend, Toby had a stroke. We thought he had recovered, showing positive signs of improvement. He even managed to climb the stairs to sleep at the bottom of my parents' bed! Last night, we think he had another stroke. His old and achy body just couldn’t handle any more stress. With labored breaths, he slipped away in the early hours of Monday morning.

It will be weird going home this weekend for Jace's birthday. For once, Toby the dog will not be there with his warm greetings and love. Despite his zany antics, Toby was a cherished family member. He made my life better because of his love, joy, silliness and appreciation of simple things. Here’s hoping Toby's in doggie heaven enjoying a field of stolen slippers!

Toby the Dog

30 things to do before 30

I have less than three years until I turn 30. (My 30th birthday is on June 5, 2017.) Jeeze. Where the heck did my twenties go? I feel like just yesterday I was traveling through Spain and celebrating my 21st birthday on Mallorca. Time just flies. I've already accomplished and attained a lot of things I've wanted in my life. But there's always more out there to explore, dream and discover. No time like the present to accomplish all the things we continue to put off until tomorrow. Here's my list in no particular order:

1. Run a 10K
2. Write the first draft of a book
3. Develop a regular meditation practice
4. Go skydiving
5. Go on a full-moon hike
6. Hike Mt. Kilimanjaro
7. Pay off my student loan debt
8. Send 30 cards, letters, gifts to friends and family
9. Take a cross-country road trip
10. Unplug for a full day
11. Host a dinner party
12. Complete a 30 day challenge - write every day, take a picture every day, go vegetarian, etc.
13. Try stand up paddleboarding
14. Cook my way through an entire cookbook
15. Go on a camping trip without my parents
16. Buy a stranger their morning coffee
17. Ride in a hot air balloon
18. Attend a yoga retreat
19. See a Broadway show
20. Watch 30 classic films
21. Take a self-defense class
22. Go zip lining
23. See the Grand Canyon
24. Travel to Greece
25. Visit a psychic
26. Do a juice cleanse
27. Create a morning routine
28. Take a solo trip somewhere
29. Get a proper desk
30. Build something with Ruby on Rails

My list includes a lot of traveling and adventure, but, for the most part, I think these things are all fairly attainable. I'm not trying to put myself on a timeline. Instead, I'm giving myself a light shove in the direction of accomplishing things I continue to put off or am afraid to do. I look forward to crossing these off my list one by one. The countdown begins now!

Do you have a list of things you want to do?

Life lately: July

July was an exciting month full of travel and joy. Summer has been an exactly perfect balance of busy days and restful days. The older I get, the more I realize and understand how important this balance is for me. But it sure is flying by, isn't it? Here are a few life highlights in the month of July:

In the grizzly morning hours on the Friday before the Fourth of July, my parents and I hit the road, making our way across Pennsylvania to Ohio. My youngest brother, Dan, is camped out at Kent State University for the summer for their REU program, focusing on his love of chemistry. Over drinks and fireworks, we became acquainted with Kent, Ohio and learned about the research projects Dan is working on this summer.

While we were in Kent, Ohio, they hosted their Heritage Festival. There was tons of food, live music and small craft tents set up everywhere.

We watched the fireworks on the patio at our hotel.

In between weekend trips, I decided to chop off about five inches of my hair. I'm really loving it. I can't get over how much I love the way my curls form when I allow it to air dry.

Later in the month, I made a last-minute decision to drive down to Topsail Island, North Carolina to join my mom, my brother Kyle and my nephew for a few days in the house they were renting. There’s something magical about watching the ocean waves kiss the shoreline again and again. It never gets old. We practically had the beach to ourselves for most of the week. It felt like we were on our own private island!

There was a Supermoon on our first night at North Topsail Beach. I loved watching the waves dancing in the moonlight.

Jace was a little ham, as always. I loved watching him run after the seagulls and play in the water.

Doesn't get more beautiful than this.

Random get-togethers with friends are always fun. Know what's even more fun? Drinking cocktails on the Reading Phillies (excuse me, Fightin' Phils) field with friends. We had a blast chatting, sipping drinks, watching baseball and checking out the post-game fireworks. Plus, I got to see my momma at the game for a bit.

More fireworks, of course!

The XPoNential Music Festival is always one of my favorite events of summer. What better way to spend the day listening to all different genres of new music and enjoying the views of the Philadelphia skyline.

Just Dad, me and my finger.

Hurray for the Riff Raff

How's your summer going so far?

Life lately: June

June is always my favorite (birthday!) month. It means outdoor get-togethers with friends and family. It means refreshing German Hefeweizens. It means the morning sun beaming in my window. Here are few snapshots from the month of June. I blinked, and it was over.

As part of my birthday present, I went to see First Aid Kit play at Union Transfer in Philly. I hadn't really listened to them until the concert. And boy did they blow me away with their performance. Given how young they are, I was surprised to learn how long they've been performing together. I highly suggest checking out this Swedish sister duo.

My mom and I

Scotty

We surprised the heck out of my cousin Scott for his 30th birthday. His sister Lauren hosted the party at her house and coordinated these amazing t-shirts with Tröegs-like logos. He was still reeling with shock at how much effort we put into his party hours and hours later. He's a great guy who always puts others before himself. It only makes sense that we did something cool just for him. What can I say? I feel pretty lucky to have him in my life.

Plants are cool

My dad and I hung out at the Millersville Plant Conference, where he sold native plants and wildflowers for his business Keystone Wildflowers. I was surprised at how much more I learned about native plants. Even more so, I was surprised at how much fun I had hanging out with him and his plant friends.

USA vs. Ghana

'Merica

I've learned a lot more about soccer lately. I'm by no means well-versed in all the rules, but I'm very good at yelling at the TV. Not to mention, I'm getting pretty good at picking out the Chelsea players on the various teams. Now that the World Cup is here, it's been a lot of fun to gather with our friends and watch matches together. Most USA matches were spent hot and sweaty jammed inside Tellus360. The walk back to our friends' house after USA beat Ghana was my favorite moment. We were cheering and chanting USA to anyone who would listen!

Knubbs on summer solstice

Knubbs and I took a walk one hot summer night. Poor guy was exhausted. First thing I did was fill him a cool bowl of water. Second thing I did was I plant my feet in the pool, and he plopped down right next to me.

Natty Boh

Max's Taphouse

My good friend Chelle lives in Baltimore with her husband, and my other good friend Amy was in town to visit her sister who also lives in Baltimore. So, I made a random trip down to Baltimore one night, and I'm so glad I did. I don't know why we don't all get together like this more often. Maybe it's because we have a little too much fun when we're all together?

Fed Hill view of the harbor

Last but not least is this view. Chelle's brother has a gorgeous point of view of Baltimore's Inner Harbor. We drank in the scenery and enjoyed Flying Dog Old Bay Summer Ales and 21st Amendment Hell or High Watermelon Wheats. Sigh. Oh summer.

An open letter to my dad on his 60th birthday

Today is my dad's 60th birthday. So, I decided to write an open letter to him. Mainly, I just want to share with the world how incredibly awesome he is. And to be fair, I think my mom also deserves some recognition here for handling all that awesome every day. I know. I'm being very demanding today. Oh, and by awesome, I may or may not mean crazy.

Dear Dad,

As a young Colleen with curly bangs and giant, doofy glasses, I required a lot of guidance. Somehow you summoned enough patience to tolerate my over-abundance of awkward and my smart-aleck remarks (wonder where I get that from?). Thanks for that.

The same person I couldn't stand being in the same room with in high school has become one of my favorite people. I guess that's what growing up and gaining perspective does to you. I love when we talk about "worldly things," as you call them, or in my case, the latest provocative story captured by the HBO series Vice. Your joy of music significantly influenced my love for Eric Clapton and rock and roll. I never shared this with you, but I wax nostalgic about it here. Quick with a joke and even quicker to crack open a beer on any given morning of vacation, you swell with an easygoing happiness I can only hope to emulate. Even when faced with adversity, you overcame your obstacles and are now doing what you love most. I'm so proud of you for this. Whenever I get too far into my head and overthink things, you are there to remind me my understanding and logic are best leveraged when I allow myself to appreciate the beauty of life. The clarity of your guidance still sometimes surprises me, but I'm always very thankful for all your advice.

Whether you're adding pepper to perfectly good pancakes, examining the leaf margins of a mysterious plant, jamming to Neil Young, enjoying The Lord of the Rings marathons or calling me up for beer advice, you continue to fill my heart and mind with great memories and laughter. And on your 60th birthday, I am reminded how very blessed I am to have you in my life.

Happy birthday, Dad! Thanks for being you.

All of my love,

Colleen

Brewing my own beer

Finally. A free weekend. No racing home to see family. No driving down to Philly for a weekend with friends. Family, friends, it's not you, it's me. This weekend it was just me, my cozy apartment and a list of nothing to do. That and a snotty, evil cold. I holed myself up in my room with a tissue box and watched episodes of The Wire for the majority of the weekend. I'm still reeling from discovering they killed Stringer. Seriously?! But Saturday afternoon, I mustered up enough motivation to finally brew beer!

After brewing my first batch of beer (an IPA!), I was surprised to find how easy it was. I always imagined beer making as such a daunting project. But Brooklyn Brew Shop crafted a one-gallon formula perfect for my small apartment.

I don't know what impressed me more, the cardboard packaging the kit was shipped in or how engaged Brooklyn Brew Shop is with its customers. The company provides an easily navigable brew timeline detailing how to brew their beer on its website, quick videos for visual learners, voracious engagement onsocialmedia and creative blog posts including spent grain recipes.

Experiencing the process of brewing, made me better appreciate the yeast, water, grain, malted barley and hops that go into my beer. Maybe it sounds funny to you, but going through the brewing motions causes me to love beer more. Now to wait four weeks to see if I actually love the beer I made.

Mashing in

Heating the mash

Pre-mashing out

Straining hot mash with lauter tun

Spent grain

Boiling beer wort

Columbus hop pellets

Cascade hop pellets

beer fermenting in dark place

Here's to the wonderful friendships in my life

With divorce rate miles high and women all over settling (or refusing to settle in some cases), I can't help but feel critical of today's couples-centric Hallmark holiday. I'm not trying to cut into romantic love and this is not some maddening single woman rant. In fact, I'm in a pretty good place right now with all that romantic stuff. But why on earth do people consider friendships an alternative or runner-up to romantic relationships? Friendship love is real love too, you know. Don't our friends deserve some recognition for putting up with our snarkiness and eccentrics? So, whatever the female equivalent to a bromance is, I'm celebrating it right now. When life gets tough, there are some wonderful women in my life who are always there for me. Ladies, thank you for putting up with my maniacal humor and being there with a smile on your face when I have tears on mine.

If I could, I'd put all the lovely ladies in my pocket so I'd have them with me every day. But I'm guessing I'd need bigger pockets. Skinny jeans aren't very accommodating. Here's a pretty photo collage of them instead:

1. My best friend, Lindsay, is the one person I hope sticks around for life. You hear that? Don't ever leave me, Linds. Her positive attitude and fun-loving personality make being around her a blast. Plus, we've been friends since the 90's. You can't mess with over a decade of love.
2. I can always count on having a great time when I'm with Cindy. She's incredibly smart, speaks her mind and has a laid-back attitude. This is probably why we get along so well. She's currently gallivanting across the globe, and I can't wait to hear about all the fun adventures she's having.
3. There is no doubt in mind about how awesome Jess is. There are some women who deserve a medal for all the awesome they exude. She is one of those women. Between wrangling her nine-month and 21-month boys (both are sick right now!) and her wily husband, somehow she still has time to ask me how I'm doing.
4. Alax is a creative spirit, full of brilliant ideas and always there when I need her. Even if it's just playing Fruit Ninja, drinking a glass of wine or going shopping, she's a great person to have in your life. Trust me.
5. Jenny  is another brilliant and reliable friend. Not only do we share a birthday month, but we also share a lot of great memories together most of which involve us dancing to InnerPartySystem.
6. Momma! Oh, I can't even put into words how much I love my momma.
7. My aunties. They all have a special place in my heart.
8. My cousins are more like my friends than they are my cousins. I don't know how it happened, but we're related and I still like them - a lot.
9. Becky was probably one of the most inspiring women I knew. If I even become half the person she was, I will be happy.

To all the fabulous women I know, from co-workers to best friends, you help make me a better person, and I love you for it! Please don't stop being awesome.